ANGER & GUILT -- The dual edged sword!

From the last few days (7 days to be precise, and I know someone will call me a ‘typical woman’ to remember the exact number of days) I have been feeling drained and exhausted -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. The feeling that something ominous is about to happen or maybe has already happened without my knowing, kept plaguing my mind. No amount of prayers, or advice from well-wishing friends really made a difference.

After crying most of the evening yesterday, pouring all the bottled up emotions to Jesus, I think I got why it was so unbearable. The sinking experience as if everything is finished, as if there is a void that will never be filled is similar to what I have felt every time I lost someone in my life – all those moments flashed where someone has gone away from my life – my father 30 years back, my guardian 16 years back, and my brother in March this year.

Incidentally when each of them died, for some or the other reason there was no direct communication with me. The communication got cut sometime before they died – first time I was pushed away from the situation because it is not appropriate for a 5 year old to witness death, second time I was termed invalid because of a broken leg, and third time I wasn't disturbed because I had other troubles to deal with.

Trust me when I say it is very very very uncomfortable when someone you love does not communicate before s/he leaves. And I acknowledge that is a space I can't deal with.

It is not that I am unaware of the inevitability of people not being there, in fact dealing with that is something I (think & hope) can still manage. What I am not comfortable with is the fact that I don’t even get to know they have gone or the fact that I do not even get an opportunity to say a final good bye before they disappear. That is something that kills me, drains me completely. Any situation that looks even vaguely similar to that, I get a claustrophobic experience. In my head these “no communication” experiences equals people I love deeply going away without saying goodbye.

In all these situations I saw two predominant emotions -- ANGER & GUILT. 

Of course it was so draining living with a dual edged sword. Anger towards them for leaving without any final communication and anger towards me and also the guilt for failing to hear in case they wanted to or were communicating something.

I also realized that when things like this are happening at a speed, I feel drained and helpless not getting time to handle even one thing properly. And that is the time I fail to trust life’s flow or my creator. Rather my mind becomes over active, constantly thinking what I can do to handle or resolve a situation. I fail to sit still in waiting. Being in a ‘limbo' is something I detest. And I fail to give life and my creator an opportunity to facilitate me out of any situation or any pain.

BUT NO MORE!

I hope and pray for your strength Jesus. Help me to guard my faith and stay away from thoughts of fear.

Hear the whisper of your heart...

An early start to a morning that was beautiful with the drizzling rain was made even more beautiful when an inspiration to write struck after so long. 

Without realizing I had picked up my phone to surf through my social media accounts and was reading a tweet from Dr. Susan Shumsky… an award-winning author, foremost spirituality expert, professional speaker, and an educator in the consciousness field.

Her tweet was intriguing indeed… Hear the whisper of your heart… and my mind was already active... weaving words together to compliment the phrase. I thought of capturing whatever was coming before I lose the thought... what else would you expect from a writer who is been dying to write and just not able to :) :)

Few words and I got stuck again… as if something did not connect completely… I quickly went back to her twitter account to read the tweet again, and found two tweets that preceded the phrase… the questions posed were quite intriguing too… And suddenly it all made sense.

“Do you know how to contact the still quiet voice of divine guidance inside yourself? … Do you know how to listen to the still quiet voice of divine intuition inside yourself? … Hear the whisper of your heart!!”

I don't know how long the silence lasted... all I know that I felt as if Lord was right there, within me, guiding me, pushing me forward, whispering through my heart all that would make me move forward… and allow me to encourage others to move forward too… So here is what I heard Him say…

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You are precious and you are a sweetheart!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“Living life the way you do, is definitely an art!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You are one of them, but still so wonderfully apart!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You are, in your life's design, the "most significant" part!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You, only you, have the choice to embrace or to discard!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You have a rich experience of life's teachings to impart!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You deserve the power & magic of a fresh new start!”

Don’t Quit… Till when???

Nothing happened as such during the day that should have given me a reason to be sad or depressed but still I felt a sudden dip in my energies by the time evening set in.

Thoughts of all sorts plagued my mind… Have I hit the bottom again? Or is it the same VACUUM that I have experienced before?

As always, I tried occupying myself with one thing or the other but to no avail… the void kept growing bigger and bigger every moment.

As a last attempt I switched on my laptop, put my favorite music on, kept a blank word document open in front of me, and started rummaging through my old stuff to read something that will inspire or motivate… Guess what I found while sifting… one of my all times favorite poems “Don’t Quit”…

…When care is pressing you down a bit… Rest if you must but don’t you quit... Stick to the flight when you’re hardest hit… It’s when things go wrong, that you must not quit…

Yet another thought crossed my mind – Am I quitting?? Is that what this vacuum all about? Maybe… I do feel exceptionally exhausted today from within as compared to other days… As if losing sight of what to do, what to say, where to be… as if no control on things around me… as if everything is slipping away from my fingers… as if I am falling apart…

Not knowing how else to go about it… I kneeled in prayer asking Him… Tell me Lord… Till when?

You know what HIS response was… Don’t Quit… Until the Miracle Happens!!

Seems difficult… but coming from my savior I have to follow it, no questions asked.

I know Lord offers many gifts that I will never receive and enjoy because I don’t activate or continue in faith… But knowing God will give me favor in every situation that is His will, I have no reason to not have faith… Time I guess to re-activate my faith so I can receive everything God has for me.

Letting the “I” die daily…

Few days back someone asked me something that intrigued, puzzled, and unknowingly left me in an enquiry about my ‘self’…

“How can someone be so selfless… it is just not possible…”

I do not remember what my verbal response to his statement was at that time, but I do remember that my mind was churning and my insides screaming, “how can you even say that… can’t you see it in me? I can vouch for it because I experience being selfless so many times… in many situations, with many people… including you...”

Well many days have passed since then… and with multiple things in life, that conversation stayed forgotten till today, when everything just flashed back while reading something…

‘You and I were NOT born knowing how to love others. In fact, we were born with a selfish, “all about me” attitude.’

How true… Aren’t we human beings the most selfish of the lot… As if, being selfish comes like an inheritance to everyone born as human…

Wouldn’t deny, it was very relaxing and comforting to know that being selfish and thinking of ourselves before others is something we are born with, something which comes natural to us…

Instantly, a question also surfaced with the same thought… Irrespective of this intrinsic selfish nature can we still improve and make progress throughout our lives?

Guess we can… or so said the verse quoted in the article:

It won’t go away, but the greater One who lives in us helps us overcome it daily (Gal. 5:16).

So does that mean no one is spared from this selfishness? Not even saints?

But we know that well-known saint and Apostle Paul also struggled with putting others first…

I AM SELFISH and I am faced with constant conflict too… me vs. them… But then how do I explain still finding myself acting selfless many times…

Putting others before me is a daily battle and requires daily decisions... about how I will live, what I will live for…With only one life to live & only one life to give, how do I want to spend it?

I got a response to the enquiry that I was unknowingly in from what Paul wrote…

I die daily [I face death every day and die to self]. —1 Corinthians 15:31

So here it is… I find myself acting selfless by letting the “I” die daily… by remembering that whatever I do for others, I am doing for God, my creator, my savior… or rather He is doing it through me, a resource, a medium… and I am so glad I have been chosen by him to be one.

…it was a choice He made for me!

I know I should stop getting surprised every time Lord speaks to me through things, people, and conversations, but I can’t help it :) :) … Today, I am again left wondering how He knows what I need to hear or realize to move on and to take the next step.

What brought this on this time? Well a very casual conversation with my friend at work about the leave he would be taking tomorrow because it is his Granny’s birthday. So here is the piece of conversation to set the context:

Friend: Granny’s b’day… so taking leave... she is turning 87 yrs old… has invited us for lunch...

Me: Wow… please convey my wishes to her

Friend: Yeah sure will do. Touch wood, she has had all possible operations – cataract, uterus, intestine, liver etc.

Me: God's grace stays on her

Friend: She says she is numb to knife and needles

Me: Well in life you actually need to be numb to certain pains; only then you can carry on towards your purpose!

WOW… I can come up with real pearls of wisdom sometimes… cool… I left the conversation mentally patting my back for what came out of my mouth… but what I heard in the silence that followed the conversation shook me up completely…

“… you are right my child… I could also fulfill my Heavenly Father’s purpose of sending me to this earth only by being immune to all the pain and humiliation I went through…”

I could feel goose bumps on my arms… and trust me it wasn’t just the AC in the office… that hasn’t been working well since last 2 weeks anyways… this was one of the unusual experiences I have come to conclude as “His presence time” – when He is just right next to me.

… such a humble and gentle way my Lord has to encourage me to go on even when the times are tough… reminding me of the joy that will come when the purpose of my life gets fulfilled and that it will always be greater than the pain I may experience on the way.

What I go through is nothing compared to (though there is no comparison) what and how much our Savior suffered for us… much more than we could ever imagine… so much pain, suffering, torture, and humiliation - all so we could have eternal life, and have it to the fullest.

And what do I we do… even though we know all that suffering took place, we very easily and conveniently forget it when we get caught up in our everyday life.

What Jesus endured shows us how much He loved us… a lot more than what we do. He was able to do something I've never seen another human being do – He laid down His life…

"The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life - only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father." (NIV) John 10:17, 18

When I think of His suffering, I cry out hard but I rejoice at the end, secure in the knowledge that it was a choice He made for me. I'm deeply blessed... He conquered death to give me life.

Thank you my sweet, precious Jesus… I love you more than words can describe but I feel a mere “Thank you” is not enough… You have bought me with your blood; now help me never to let your suffering go in vain.

Is “Waiting for God’s First Best” actually tougher than “Settling for Our Second Best”?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Every time I read this verse I feel renewed… in my faith & in my spirits. More so, because time and again in the past I have experienced that God’s plans were always best for me. Then why is it difficult to wait in some areas? Why do I find myself giving in or almost ready to settle for less? And is it only me or do you also find yourself settling for second best in your life - careers, goals, love, marriage, and sometimes yourself??

Why do we settle for second best when deep down we know it won’t stand much in comparison to what God has planned? Why is it so tough? Or is it really tough at all?

One reason I could think of is my IMPATIENCE... I don’t want to be put in a waiting room for too long. Waiting for His guidance and direction is fine but what to do if the wait seems endless. Who decides ultimately how long is long?

Second could be my UNWILLINGNESS TO WORK HARD... I am tired of making efforts. Frankly, my motivation sags further when I realize that still some extra effort is required. Ohh… how I wish everything (including God’s best for me) was handed down on a silver platter :) …don’t you?

Third could be my DISBELIEF IN DESERVING THE BEST... The thought that ‘I don’t deserve to receive the best’ is a slow poison. And strangely though, we keep giving this poison to ourselves… At least I do… knowingly or unknowingly, totally oblivious of the impact it is having on me and my surrounding.

Fourth could be my LACK OF COMPLETE TRUST IN GOD... I find myself entertaining thoughts like - does God even have something good in store for me OR what if I don’t like what He plans for me or asks me to do something I don’t want to do… WOW… Is there a worst way than this to insult Him, who I call my Lord, my Savior?

As I conclude this post I am feeling really absurd… If truly I have called Him Abba, Father then how can waiting for what He has to give be tough? It should rather be exciting and fun to wait.

For sure, God's first best will always be something more wonderful than anything I could cook up on my own :) so why not make it worth my total commitment & every ounce of my trust.

It wasn’t USELESS after all…

Last Wednesday started with a sinking, depressing feeling… though it shouldn’t have come as a surprise after the lack of peace and joy since the last couple of weeks - at home, in relations, and within me…

Mind was reeling with conflicting questions… and heart with hope (though a little faint) that something comes my way to renew my energies…

Everything I did was taking more effort than usual - from getting ready to sitting in the cab, to dragging myself in the office… Would it be any better later in the day?

Anyways… had to get on with the day so I started my routine with a cup of coffee… On my way back from the pantry, I just stopped over at a colleague’s desk to have a little chit chat we usually do to catch up on what’s happening in other’s life… Few minutes in the conversation, he opened his desk drawer and took out something to give me…
Boy…Was I Surprised? YES of course, what else do you expect?

Moments later after finishing the conversation, I walked away from his desk looking at the gift that I now held in my left palm. And I paid no heed at all :) to his comment “it’s kinda useless.”

I was more interested in the range of emotions I was experiencing all of a sudden… from the childlike excitement and curiosity on getting something new… to the pleasant feeling on being surprised… to the emotion of being cared… to the burst of new energy that I suddenly felt…

Let me tell you the small shiny thing was not just an unexpected gift… it seemed it was a reminder…

But before I share what it reminded me of, let me actually share what it was – A shiny silver key chain shaped like a book encasing a miniature bible... brought a :) to your face just like it did to mine.

It may sound strange, but it is really true. The few seconds I took to reach my desk, all the while looking at the gift held in my palm, left me with a renewed experience… as if something got re-activated :)

What I got reminded of was who I always have i.e. Christ, my eternal friend, my Savior and what He has given i.e. His Word for me to keep forever and gain strength from every time I am in need.

Suddenly, the day didn’t look dull, dead, or depressing. Suddenly I was looking forward to all the work, and travel planned in the evening that would otherwise tire me physically. Suddenly my spirits were lifted to a completely new level, a renewed confidence that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil 4:3… my all time favorite verse from Bible).

To the one (hope he will get time to read this post) who gave me the “kinda useless” gift, I want to say: “Bless you buddy… Trust me when I say you contributed in my life. And it wasn’t useless after all :)”

The Light of the Body…

The fog hitting the cab’s windscreen & side windows in the morning was so HEAVY & THICK… probably reflecting the state of my mind?

The words were floating before my eyes and nothing that I read registered… my vision was impaired because of the wetness in my eyes. I continued making an effort to read from the Word of God, not just because I didn’t want to dishonor what I held in my hands but also because somewhere I had faith that His message will get through my muddled head and wavering thoughts.

And it did with this verse that caught my eye… :)

The eyes are like a lamp for the body. If your eyes are sound, your whole body will be full of light; but if your eyes are no good, your body will be in darkness. So if the light in you is darkness, how terribly dark it will be!

Suddenly something dawned and I asked myself - what am I doing with the most precious part of my body literally? Did He give me these eyes to waste with tears? NO. And the minute I said that in my head, my tears stopped instantly. Though the mental debate continued as I tried to understand and interpret what I read.

As soon as I could, I asked my best friend Google, and here came a whole lot of interesting and detailed interpretations of the verse. With various points of view in front of me - from the metaphorical to literal and moral to spiritual, a question cropped its head in my head :)

Which sight would be WORTHY enough for me to set my eyes on FOREVER?

Not the sight that shows evidences of my unworthiness at every step of the way. Not the sight that shows me how unloved I am by this world. Not even the sight that shows what all is lacking in my life. And definitely not the sight that focuses on why a future full of hope is not possible for me.

DARKNESS… I hereby shun you away from my sight forever….

My eyes have found a vision in the ONE who is worth a lot - my reverence, my obedience, my faith, my surrender, and above all my love… because He loved me even before I was born or loved Him.

Jesus Loves You!

One day a crab was running on the sea shore. The waves came and cleared the footprints of the crab. Crab asked the waves, “Being my friend why are you clearing my beautiful footprints?” The waves replied, “A fox was following your footprints to catch you. That is why I cleared it off”. Friendship means caring beyond imagination.

A friend of mine shared this story on sms sometime back. I guess what he wanted to convey was that he cares and I got his message, loud & clear. Needless to say, I was touched, more so because it spoke so much of the love & regard he has for me. In fact I was thankful to Lord for giving me such a friend (and many more) who just do not care whether I give him something, send him a message or not and even sometimes forget to stay in touch for days. He keeps sending sweet messages of friendship, some stupid jokes to make sure that I :) or messages to say that he is there for me. I really feel blessed having friends like that on this earth.

But I am getting to feel even more blessed with the increasing knowledge that there is someone who wants to be my eternal friend – besides being My Master, My Lord and My Savior!

Interestingly the thought that Jesus is my friend hasn’t appeared for the first time. Many times in the past also I have felt like that, even talked to Him as if He is my buddy… in an endless conversation… sharing everything and anything (even the girly stuff :).

But it was fascinating to see it appear recently in one of the chapters in a book (“The purpose-driven life: what on earth am I here for?” By Rick Warren) that I am reading along with a friend. The first sentence of the chapter “God wants to be your best friend” felt as if my own inner-voice giving a sharp nudge, reminding me “See I keep telling you the same thing… but you keep forgetting.”

The smile my friend sent my way after reading the sentence confirmed I wasn’t the only one getting the internal nudge :) and by the end of our reading session I am sure we both grew in our want to receive Him as a best friend, at that time and all times to come. And ever since that day, I find myself conversing more & giving more of myself in this friendship with my best friend. It is such a comforting thought to know that there is someone who always loves & cares.

So to all my friends I have just one thing to say… JESUS LOVES YOU!

Embracing “myself” the way my Savior does

Few days back I found an interesting quote that inspired a thought. The quote first:

A small light can do a great deal when it is in a very dark place… Like one little candle in the middle of a large hall can give a good deal of light.

So true... isn’t it?

There have been many instances in my life when I’ve searched and searched for that light, that ray of hope that can lighten the darkest corners of my life, especially the ones in my heart & mind causing fear & chaos.

And thanks to my Lord for all the times that I did find something that lit the path ahead of me... enough for that time to take the next step at least. And in faith I moved and life happened.
But since a long time there has been an evident struggle in my heart & mind... and a continuous experience of not having a light to guide my step further in any of the area... Was I troubled? Yes to the core and thoroughly confused too.

But while reading this quote, a thought struck my mind... may be Lord does not want me to focus on finding the light outside... Maybe He wants to lead me to a light within me – a light that is unique and truly mine...

I asked myself - can I be like that candle? Can I light the darkness of the world around me?

The question has been provoking a lot of thoughts & actions... including being on a journey of self-discovery...

I have begun… that is all that I know... making efforts to accept whatever gets revealed every day... Embracing “myself” the way my Savior does... with love, compassion, & forgiveness...

Salt of my tears...

Salt of my tears is all I can taste
Falling apart, breaking, turning to waste
Can ever my life be anything but haste……

My eyes are shut, yet sleep deludes
Wondering about what all it preludes
A waiting time where nothing concludes……

A teasing hope has tried and dared
Its head lying there naked and bared
To destiny’s hands ----bit worried & scared ……

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As I was posting this on my blog... a verse appeared to me...
Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning. - Psalm 30:5

I know not any one...

I know not any one who understands these tears…
I know not any one who understands my fears…
I know not any one who listens when I don’t speak…
I know not any one who accepts me when I’m weak…
I know not any one who makes my silence heard…
I know not any one who keeps pushing me forward…
I know not any one who says I will always matter…
I know not any one who can collect when I shatter…

Blessing to others...

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:

:

:
If I can be made a blessing to others today, what more can I ask

Praying for their deliverance and healing, would not just be a task

But an expression of HIS love that abounds in my doings and in me

Molding and perfecting me in HIM, HIS goodness, and HIS mercy

To reflect my Savior always, giving HIM all glory, honour & praise

I seek HIS help in my growth, with eyes lifted & hands that I raise

:

:

Let me...

Let me take my eyes off the "catch"
Make efforts that will always match
And appeal to Him and His Holy will
Obeying His call is what I want still

With my heart, mind & soul pleading
I pray for Him to continue leading
Accomplish His plan in every way
As I center myself around Him today

Let the darkness now depart…

What other evidence do I ask that He walks right beside me when in each and every moment of my life I can feel His presence (yes some times in my blind rage I may choose to ignore or pretend that I can’t feel it at all).

Countless times, He has made sure to reach out to me (yes! not just me seeking Him) in some or the other form, especially in times when I need Him the most, time when I am lost, confused, disheartened, no where to go, nothing to look forward to. He would place things, people, signs in front of me and around me that speaks in volumes about how He is watching over me, protecting me, guiding me every time. How much He loves me and knows what I need.

As I sat in the morning today to once again (even after the horrible fight I initiated with Him before sleeping at) to reconcile with Him, this is what I get…

Fair weather faith is the kind that is strong when things are going well, but when bad times hit, it falls apart. It’s not too difficult to have great faith when things are going well… be filled with praise and joy for all God’s goodness to us (“The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy”- Psalm 126:3). But what about those times when nothing good is happening? (Do I, like the Prophet of God Habakkuk say, “Even though things are just awful, yet I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my savior.”)

A mature person who is strengthened in Christ praises even when there’s no silver lining, no light at the end of the tunnel. It is that orientation of our will that makes the difference. We make a choice to praise God and rejoice in him regardless.

Where are you today? Good times in your life… or tough days, heartaches, failures, and disappointments. Praise him any way. When God sees that kind of faith and that setting of your will, he is pleased for he knows that your faith is not the fair –weather type.

What do I say now… I am speechless again…

I know this message was for me… to remind me of the promise I made that irrespective of what I face I won’t doubt Your Love for me…

Today also, You knew that I was struggling to keep my faith strong… not that I wanted to let go of this anchor, but the problems & pain in and around me were pushing me down… the darkness of the tunnel suffocating me and the thought that there is no light to show me what to do, where to go and who to be, troubling me more…

I didn’t realize that the lack of light I am feeling is a function of me… because when the pain increased I shut my eyes and probably forgot to open them… And having kept them shut for long, my eyes couldn’t see the light because they were not looking at You…

I open my eyes to look at You
Your guiding light is all I need
To fill my vision & fill my heart
Let the darkness now depart

“Do not be unbelieving, but believing”

“Do not be unbelieving, but believing” - I have had this written as a note on my messenger since last 3 days I guess… and every minute I saw it in front of me it seemed I am claiming to the entire world, even beckoning them to do as I am doing… i.e. not go in the tunnel of unbelief… but hang on to Him… steadfast in faith and belief on Him, who gives as He promises…

But what happened all of a sudden… why the thread of faith has been straining today… why there is a gut wrenching fear that is gripping my body literally… fear of loosing, fear of being used, fear of being left alone... Am I going down on my faith my Lord… am I really unbelieving…

The minute I saw I may be heading towards that darkness, I cried unto you… pouring out my heart’s predicament… even sharing the anger and frustration that were clawing the walls of my mind to be released… But to no avail… that deep seated fear was still troubling as if some demon chasing me… or maybe in this case me chasing or not ready to let go of the fear…

I re-read Your words from the morning just so it can help…

Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

And I realized some thing… hadn’t You already indicated some thing in the morning through that message… as if preparing me for what I would actually go through during the day… being fearful & dismayed… and that I would keep searching for your presence & peace near me so that I experience being secure and safe again, when all the time You would be with me only…

Forgive me Jesus… I acted blind and plain STUPID (of the first degree I guess) … I lost so many moments fretting about some thing or the other when I could have spent them rejoicing and really enjoying the Love, Joy, and Peace that comes in abundance where You are present…

So let me reclaim my belief… and once again let me not be unbelieving, but believing...

Trustful dependence…

I was reading something today which said:

“There’s nothing in our lives so small that God isn’t concerned about it-no need, no desire, no problem or crisis is so big that it baffles God’s wisdom and power. And because He cares for us, we are invited to tell Him about any and all of our concerns (1 Peter 5:7)”

WOW… it is exactly what I do… I just pour my heart out when I talk to Him everyday… try not to keep any thing to myself… tell Him what I feel, what I want, what I fear, what I am unsure of, what I would wish to have (even those secret tiny stupid things as well)….

I came out of my thoughts to read further…

“Does that mean we can ask God for anything and expect to receive it? Faith in our Savior and praying in His name are surely praiseworthy. But let’s be sure that what we’re asking for is something in line with what we know God would want.”

Oh Boy… are they talking about me only… Of course it is what I do too… whenever I pray and ask Him for some thing I want, I make sure that I end my prayer by telling Him that if what I have asked for is not His will then I would accept what He gives… cos even when I have shared my want/choice and prayed to Him for it yet I would trust and accept nothing less than HIS will… I also remember that I have always been moved while reading this verse - “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7)”… but today my mind was persistently questioning how I have been asking Him who is the giver– am I asking inline with what He would want for me or with an assumption that He will give me as per my wish.

And then I read further..

“…It is possible to cross the line from trustful dependence to superstitious selfishness.”

Oh Lord… I hope that’s not what I am doing… or am I? Because that would be preposterous… maybe even stubbornness… cos You know what’s best for me, more than I can ever know for I see only few yards ahead while you have designed the complete path that I have to traverse…

“…Biblical faith is controlled by submission to God’s will (1 John 5:14). So every petition must be offered in a way that reflects the attitude of Jesus, Who said to His Father, “Not as I will, but as You will" (Matthew 29:39)... “If we ask anything according to His will, He hears us” (1 John 5:14).”

Lord… let me take on trustful dependence… revive my faith again today and my prayer too… I pray for you to reveal what Your will is… what You want me to choose in life… Guide me when ever there is a time for choice so that I act from Your wisdom and not lean on my own understanding…

You are a force that lives within me… my purpose to live and love… a strength that surrounds me & protects me… You are my Savior!

When I question the question...

When I question the question, no answers come & time keeps slipping away...
When I trust in Lord and seek His might, all answers come running my way...

I don’t know if you have experienced it but I have experienced it many times.

Questions, difficulties, tough times – call it whatever you may, each one of us faces situations like these... moments of dilemmas, moments of fear and indecision… it is quiet a common occurring in all of our lives so no point discussing it….

So what is the real point… maybe it is about “how we are” in these moments… or maybe where we focus – is it on the issue or difficulty concerning us or the actions we can take or even some thing else… I want to share my two cents about this “some thing” else I have felt…

Even before I take any actions, there is a space I find myself in… to make it easier for myself I always call it my conversations with Him… some may also refer to it as praying or seeking Him… again whatever we may call it, it’s a space when I connect with Him… and connect in a way that is way beyond any explanation… some times I cant even feel myself or my body… just focusing on Him and His name… Surrendering… letting go of every thing – all pains, worries, distress, and fears… every thing about yesteryears and the impending future… and I cry out …

Some thing similar happened over the weekend on my trip to Agra… it seemed as if some thing evil was at play… one after the other there were difficulties… right from unexpected fog to road mishaps to jams on a national highway to being lost in a dirt track with no sign of human race around and being stuck on last lane where the road was slanting and my car was standing at 45 degrees… that one moment especially is some thing I will never forget… all blood rushing in my head or out of it… could hear my pulse at the back of my head with an unbearable pain… paralyzing fear of making just one mistake and loosing… life… especially of those 2 whom I love the most in my life and who I want to do everything to save from every thing… I felt responsible yet so weak… and that was the moment of surrender when I let the pain and anguish be and just forged ahead with only Him in my focus…

Trust me when I say that I feel blessed and saved… To be alive after a seemingly unending ordeal … which came to an end because He wanted that way…

Thank you Lord for being with me at every point on that road… thank you for carrying me when I thought I can’t walk (or drive) any more…

Oh Lord… help… my faith is going down…

More than 40 hours…

It seems I have travelled so many spaces… from being a mere spectator to being helpless…
As the terror continues to unfold in front of my eyes… the emotion clogging my throat became more inexpressible… anger… disappointment… fear… remorse… what will happen to this world…

Mind is full of questions and “WHYs”… eyes are tearful again and again… numbness surrounds me today…

Oh God… please help… please save… my faith is going down…

Thank You for the treasures!

I knew deep inside that You will guide, that I can count on You no matter what, that I need not be anxious about any thing…. But the past few days, I don’t know what I have been doing… or maybe I know - acting plane stupid… I wasn’t doubting your eternal promise Lord… its just that the changes in my life, all that I need to handle and want to do for my loved ones, my passions, what I have with respect to what I desire - every thing was in conflict… the fear of not being able to choose what’s right from the different choices coming my way in life was constantly plaguing… I know I am responsible for this state of confusion too… I allowed that small little voice inside my head to grow louder than necessary that I just couldn’t hear your loving sound or your reassurance…

I am sorry for being so restless and not rejoicing in what I have – You, my savior and my guide…

Thank you for your words today… I do realize the grandness of it… and what all it makes available for me…

…in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. (Colossians 2:3)

I know You will bless me with Your wisdom when it is time for any choice in my life… I know You will help me know the right path that You want to set me on and I need to follow…

Thank You for the treasures of wisdom and knowledge that are hidden in you but very much revealed right in front of me if I my eyes are set on you…