ANGER & GUILT -- The dual edged sword!

From the last few days (7 days to be precise, and I know someone will call me a ‘typical woman’ to remember the exact number of days) I have been feeling drained and exhausted -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. The feeling that something ominous is about to happen or maybe has already happened without my knowing, kept plaguing my mind. No amount of prayers, or advice from well-wishing friends really made a difference.

After crying most of the evening yesterday, pouring all the bottled up emotions to Jesus, I think I got why it was so unbearable. The sinking experience as if everything is finished, as if there is a void that will never be filled is similar to what I have felt every time I lost someone in my life – all those moments flashed where someone has gone away from my life – my father 30 years back, my guardian 16 years back, and my brother in March this year.

Incidentally when each of them died, for some or the other reason there was no direct communication with me. The communication got cut sometime before they died – first time I was pushed away from the situation because it is not appropriate for a 5 year old to witness death, second time I was termed invalid because of a broken leg, and third time I wasn't disturbed because I had other troubles to deal with.

Trust me when I say it is very very very uncomfortable when someone you love does not communicate before s/he leaves. And I acknowledge that is a space I can't deal with.

It is not that I am unaware of the inevitability of people not being there, in fact dealing with that is something I (think & hope) can still manage. What I am not comfortable with is the fact that I don’t even get to know they have gone or the fact that I do not even get an opportunity to say a final good bye before they disappear. That is something that kills me, drains me completely. Any situation that looks even vaguely similar to that, I get a claustrophobic experience. In my head these “no communication” experiences equals people I love deeply going away without saying goodbye.

In all these situations I saw two predominant emotions -- ANGER & GUILT. 

Of course it was so draining living with a dual edged sword. Anger towards them for leaving without any final communication and anger towards me and also the guilt for failing to hear in case they wanted to or were communicating something.

I also realized that when things like this are happening at a speed, I feel drained and helpless not getting time to handle even one thing properly. And that is the time I fail to trust life’s flow or my creator. Rather my mind becomes over active, constantly thinking what I can do to handle or resolve a situation. I fail to sit still in waiting. Being in a ‘limbo' is something I detest. And I fail to give life and my creator an opportunity to facilitate me out of any situation or any pain.

BUT NO MORE!

I hope and pray for your strength Jesus. Help me to guard my faith and stay away from thoughts of fear.

Hear the whisper of your heart...

An early start to a morning that was beautiful with the drizzling rain was made even more beautiful when an inspiration to write struck after so long. 

Without realizing I had picked up my phone to surf through my social media accounts and was reading a tweet from Dr. Susan Shumsky… an award-winning author, foremost spirituality expert, professional speaker, and an educator in the consciousness field.

Her tweet was intriguing indeed… Hear the whisper of your heart… and my mind was already active... weaving words together to compliment the phrase. I thought of capturing whatever was coming before I lose the thought... what else would you expect from a writer who is been dying to write and just not able to :) :)

Few words and I got stuck again… as if something did not connect completely… I quickly went back to her twitter account to read the tweet again, and found two tweets that preceded the phrase… the questions posed were quite intriguing too… And suddenly it all made sense.

“Do you know how to contact the still quiet voice of divine guidance inside yourself? … Do you know how to listen to the still quiet voice of divine intuition inside yourself? … Hear the whisper of your heart!!”

I don't know how long the silence lasted... all I know that I felt as if Lord was right there, within me, guiding me, pushing me forward, whispering through my heart all that would make me move forward… and allow me to encourage others to move forward too… So here is what I heard Him say…

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You are precious and you are a sweetheart!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“Living life the way you do, is definitely an art!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You are one of them, but still so wonderfully apart!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You are, in your life's design, the "most significant" part!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You, only you, have the choice to embrace or to discard!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You have a rich experience of life's teachings to impart!”

Today, just hear the whisper of your heart...
“You deserve the power & magic of a fresh new start!”

Don’t Quit… Till when???

Nothing happened as such during the day that should have given me a reason to be sad or depressed but still I felt a sudden dip in my energies by the time evening set in.

Thoughts of all sorts plagued my mind… Have I hit the bottom again? Or is it the same VACUUM that I have experienced before?

As always, I tried occupying myself with one thing or the other but to no avail… the void kept growing bigger and bigger every moment.

As a last attempt I switched on my laptop, put my favorite music on, kept a blank word document open in front of me, and started rummaging through my old stuff to read something that will inspire or motivate… Guess what I found while sifting… one of my all times favorite poems “Don’t Quit”…

…When care is pressing you down a bit… Rest if you must but don’t you quit... Stick to the flight when you’re hardest hit… It’s when things go wrong, that you must not quit…

Yet another thought crossed my mind – Am I quitting?? Is that what this vacuum all about? Maybe… I do feel exceptionally exhausted today from within as compared to other days… As if losing sight of what to do, what to say, where to be… as if no control on things around me… as if everything is slipping away from my fingers… as if I am falling apart…

Not knowing how else to go about it… I kneeled in prayer asking Him… Tell me Lord… Till when?

You know what HIS response was… Don’t Quit… Until the Miracle Happens!!

Seems difficult… but coming from my savior I have to follow it, no questions asked.

I know Lord offers many gifts that I will never receive and enjoy because I don’t activate or continue in faith… But knowing God will give me favor in every situation that is His will, I have no reason to not have faith… Time I guess to re-activate my faith so I can receive everything God has for me.

Letting the “I” die daily…

Few days back someone asked me something that intrigued, puzzled, and unknowingly left me in an enquiry about my ‘self’…

“How can someone be so selfless… it is just not possible…”

I do not remember what my verbal response to his statement was at that time, but I do remember that my mind was churning and my insides screaming, “how can you even say that… can’t you see it in me? I can vouch for it because I experience being selfless so many times… in many situations, with many people… including you...”

Well many days have passed since then… and with multiple things in life, that conversation stayed forgotten till today, when everything just flashed back while reading something…

‘You and I were NOT born knowing how to love others. In fact, we were born with a selfish, “all about me” attitude.’

How true… Aren’t we human beings the most selfish of the lot… As if, being selfish comes like an inheritance to everyone born as human…

Wouldn’t deny, it was very relaxing and comforting to know that being selfish and thinking of ourselves before others is something we are born with, something which comes natural to us…

Instantly, a question also surfaced with the same thought… Irrespective of this intrinsic selfish nature can we still improve and make progress throughout our lives?

Guess we can… or so said the verse quoted in the article:

It won’t go away, but the greater One who lives in us helps us overcome it daily (Gal. 5:16).

So does that mean no one is spared from this selfishness? Not even saints?

But we know that well-known saint and Apostle Paul also struggled with putting others first…

I AM SELFISH and I am faced with constant conflict too… me vs. them… But then how do I explain still finding myself acting selfless many times…

Putting others before me is a daily battle and requires daily decisions... about how I will live, what I will live for…With only one life to live & only one life to give, how do I want to spend it?

I got a response to the enquiry that I was unknowingly in from what Paul wrote…

I die daily [I face death every day and die to self]. —1 Corinthians 15:31

So here it is… I find myself acting selfless by letting the “I” die daily… by remembering that whatever I do for others, I am doing for God, my creator, my savior… or rather He is doing it through me, a resource, a medium… and I am so glad I have been chosen by him to be one.

…it was a choice He made for me!

I know I should stop getting surprised every time Lord speaks to me through things, people, and conversations, but I can’t help it :) :) … Today, I am again left wondering how He knows what I need to hear or realize to move on and to take the next step.

What brought this on this time? Well a very casual conversation with my friend at work about the leave he would be taking tomorrow because it is his Granny’s birthday. So here is the piece of conversation to set the context:

Friend: Granny’s b’day… so taking leave... she is turning 87 yrs old… has invited us for lunch...

Me: Wow… please convey my wishes to her

Friend: Yeah sure will do. Touch wood, she has had all possible operations – cataract, uterus, intestine, liver etc.

Me: God's grace stays on her

Friend: She says she is numb to knife and needles

Me: Well in life you actually need to be numb to certain pains; only then you can carry on towards your purpose!

WOW… I can come up with real pearls of wisdom sometimes… cool… I left the conversation mentally patting my back for what came out of my mouth… but what I heard in the silence that followed the conversation shook me up completely…

“… you are right my child… I could also fulfill my Heavenly Father’s purpose of sending me to this earth only by being immune to all the pain and humiliation I went through…”

I could feel goose bumps on my arms… and trust me it wasn’t just the AC in the office… that hasn’t been working well since last 2 weeks anyways… this was one of the unusual experiences I have come to conclude as “His presence time” – when He is just right next to me.

… such a humble and gentle way my Lord has to encourage me to go on even when the times are tough… reminding me of the joy that will come when the purpose of my life gets fulfilled and that it will always be greater than the pain I may experience on the way.

What I go through is nothing compared to (though there is no comparison) what and how much our Savior suffered for us… much more than we could ever imagine… so much pain, suffering, torture, and humiliation - all so we could have eternal life, and have it to the fullest.

And what do I we do… even though we know all that suffering took place, we very easily and conveniently forget it when we get caught up in our everyday life.

What Jesus endured shows us how much He loved us… a lot more than what we do. He was able to do something I've never seen another human being do – He laid down His life…

"The reason my Father loves me is that I lay down my life - only to take it up again. No one takes it from me, but I lay it down of my own accord. I have authority to lay it down and authority to take it up again. This command I received from my Father." (NIV) John 10:17, 18

When I think of His suffering, I cry out hard but I rejoice at the end, secure in the knowledge that it was a choice He made for me. I'm deeply blessed... He conquered death to give me life.

Thank you my sweet, precious Jesus… I love you more than words can describe but I feel a mere “Thank you” is not enough… You have bought me with your blood; now help me never to let your suffering go in vain.

Is “Waiting for God’s First Best” actually tougher than “Settling for Our Second Best”?

“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future” (Jeremiah 29:11).

Every time I read this verse I feel renewed… in my faith & in my spirits. More so, because time and again in the past I have experienced that God’s plans were always best for me. Then why is it difficult to wait in some areas? Why do I find myself giving in or almost ready to settle for less? And is it only me or do you also find yourself settling for second best in your life - careers, goals, love, marriage, and sometimes yourself??

Why do we settle for second best when deep down we know it won’t stand much in comparison to what God has planned? Why is it so tough? Or is it really tough at all?

One reason I could think of is my IMPATIENCE... I don’t want to be put in a waiting room for too long. Waiting for His guidance and direction is fine but what to do if the wait seems endless. Who decides ultimately how long is long?

Second could be my UNWILLINGNESS TO WORK HARD... I am tired of making efforts. Frankly, my motivation sags further when I realize that still some extra effort is required. Ohh… how I wish everything (including God’s best for me) was handed down on a silver platter :) …don’t you?

Third could be my DISBELIEF IN DESERVING THE BEST... The thought that ‘I don’t deserve to receive the best’ is a slow poison. And strangely though, we keep giving this poison to ourselves… At least I do… knowingly or unknowingly, totally oblivious of the impact it is having on me and my surrounding.

Fourth could be my LACK OF COMPLETE TRUST IN GOD... I find myself entertaining thoughts like - does God even have something good in store for me OR what if I don’t like what He plans for me or asks me to do something I don’t want to do… WOW… Is there a worst way than this to insult Him, who I call my Lord, my Savior?

As I conclude this post I am feeling really absurd… If truly I have called Him Abba, Father then how can waiting for what He has to give be tough? It should rather be exciting and fun to wait.

For sure, God's first best will always be something more wonderful than anything I could cook up on my own :) so why not make it worth my total commitment & every ounce of my trust.

It wasn’t USELESS after all…

Last Wednesday started with a sinking, depressing feeling… though it shouldn’t have come as a surprise after the lack of peace and joy since the last couple of weeks - at home, in relations, and within me…

Mind was reeling with conflicting questions… and heart with hope (though a little faint) that something comes my way to renew my energies…

Everything I did was taking more effort than usual - from getting ready to sitting in the cab, to dragging myself in the office… Would it be any better later in the day?

Anyways… had to get on with the day so I started my routine with a cup of coffee… On my way back from the pantry, I just stopped over at a colleague’s desk to have a little chit chat we usually do to catch up on what’s happening in other’s life… Few minutes in the conversation, he opened his desk drawer and took out something to give me…
Boy…Was I Surprised? YES of course, what else do you expect?

Moments later after finishing the conversation, I walked away from his desk looking at the gift that I now held in my left palm. And I paid no heed at all :) to his comment “it’s kinda useless.”

I was more interested in the range of emotions I was experiencing all of a sudden… from the childlike excitement and curiosity on getting something new… to the pleasant feeling on being surprised… to the emotion of being cared… to the burst of new energy that I suddenly felt…

Let me tell you the small shiny thing was not just an unexpected gift… it seemed it was a reminder…

But before I share what it reminded me of, let me actually share what it was – A shiny silver key chain shaped like a book encasing a miniature bible... brought a :) to your face just like it did to mine.

It may sound strange, but it is really true. The few seconds I took to reach my desk, all the while looking at the gift held in my palm, left me with a renewed experience… as if something got re-activated :)

What I got reminded of was who I always have i.e. Christ, my eternal friend, my Savior and what He has given i.e. His Word for me to keep forever and gain strength from every time I am in need.

Suddenly, the day didn’t look dull, dead, or depressing. Suddenly I was looking forward to all the work, and travel planned in the evening that would otherwise tire me physically. Suddenly my spirits were lifted to a completely new level, a renewed confidence that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me” (Phil 4:3… my all time favorite verse from Bible).

To the one (hope he will get time to read this post) who gave me the “kinda useless” gift, I want to say: “Bless you buddy… Trust me when I say you contributed in my life. And it wasn’t useless after all :)”