“Do not be unbelieving, but believing”

“Do not be unbelieving, but believing” - I have had this written as a note on my messenger since last 3 days I guess… and every minute I saw it in front of me it seemed I am claiming to the entire world, even beckoning them to do as I am doing… i.e. not go in the tunnel of unbelief… but hang on to Him… steadfast in faith and belief on Him, who gives as He promises…

But what happened all of a sudden… why the thread of faith has been straining today… why there is a gut wrenching fear that is gripping my body literally… fear of loosing, fear of being used, fear of being left alone... Am I going down on my faith my Lord… am I really unbelieving…

The minute I saw I may be heading towards that darkness, I cried unto you… pouring out my heart’s predicament… even sharing the anger and frustration that were clawing the walls of my mind to be released… But to no avail… that deep seated fear was still troubling as if some demon chasing me… or maybe in this case me chasing or not ready to let go of the fear…

I re-read Your words from the morning just so it can help…

Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

And I realized some thing… hadn’t You already indicated some thing in the morning through that message… as if preparing me for what I would actually go through during the day… being fearful & dismayed… and that I would keep searching for your presence & peace near me so that I experience being secure and safe again, when all the time You would be with me only…

Forgive me Jesus… I acted blind and plain STUPID (of the first degree I guess) … I lost so many moments fretting about some thing or the other when I could have spent them rejoicing and really enjoying the Love, Joy, and Peace that comes in abundance where You are present…

So let me reclaim my belief… and once again let me not be unbelieving, but believing...

Trustful dependence…

I was reading something today which said:

“There’s nothing in our lives so small that God isn’t concerned about it-no need, no desire, no problem or crisis is so big that it baffles God’s wisdom and power. And because He cares for us, we are invited to tell Him about any and all of our concerns (1 Peter 5:7)”

WOW… it is exactly what I do… I just pour my heart out when I talk to Him everyday… try not to keep any thing to myself… tell Him what I feel, what I want, what I fear, what I am unsure of, what I would wish to have (even those secret tiny stupid things as well)….

I came out of my thoughts to read further…

“Does that mean we can ask God for anything and expect to receive it? Faith in our Savior and praying in His name are surely praiseworthy. But let’s be sure that what we’re asking for is something in line with what we know God would want.”

Oh Boy… are they talking about me only… Of course it is what I do too… whenever I pray and ask Him for some thing I want, I make sure that I end my prayer by telling Him that if what I have asked for is not His will then I would accept what He gives… cos even when I have shared my want/choice and prayed to Him for it yet I would trust and accept nothing less than HIS will… I also remember that I have always been moved while reading this verse - “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7)”… but today my mind was persistently questioning how I have been asking Him who is the giver– am I asking inline with what He would want for me or with an assumption that He will give me as per my wish.

And then I read further..

“…It is possible to cross the line from trustful dependence to superstitious selfishness.”

Oh Lord… I hope that’s not what I am doing… or am I? Because that would be preposterous… maybe even stubbornness… cos You know what’s best for me, more than I can ever know for I see only few yards ahead while you have designed the complete path that I have to traverse…

“…Biblical faith is controlled by submission to God’s will (1 John 5:14). So every petition must be offered in a way that reflects the attitude of Jesus, Who said to His Father, “Not as I will, but as You will" (Matthew 29:39)... “If we ask anything according to His will, He hears us” (1 John 5:14).”

Lord… let me take on trustful dependence… revive my faith again today and my prayer too… I pray for you to reveal what Your will is… what You want me to choose in life… Guide me when ever there is a time for choice so that I act from Your wisdom and not lean on my own understanding…

You are a force that lives within me… my purpose to live and love… a strength that surrounds me & protects me… You are my Savior!

When I question the question...

When I question the question, no answers come & time keeps slipping away...
When I trust in Lord and seek His might, all answers come running my way...

I don’t know if you have experienced it but I have experienced it many times.

Questions, difficulties, tough times – call it whatever you may, each one of us faces situations like these... moments of dilemmas, moments of fear and indecision… it is quiet a common occurring in all of our lives so no point discussing it….

So what is the real point… maybe it is about “how we are” in these moments… or maybe where we focus – is it on the issue or difficulty concerning us or the actions we can take or even some thing else… I want to share my two cents about this “some thing” else I have felt…

Even before I take any actions, there is a space I find myself in… to make it easier for myself I always call it my conversations with Him… some may also refer to it as praying or seeking Him… again whatever we may call it, it’s a space when I connect with Him… and connect in a way that is way beyond any explanation… some times I cant even feel myself or my body… just focusing on Him and His name… Surrendering… letting go of every thing – all pains, worries, distress, and fears… every thing about yesteryears and the impending future… and I cry out …

Some thing similar happened over the weekend on my trip to Agra… it seemed as if some thing evil was at play… one after the other there were difficulties… right from unexpected fog to road mishaps to jams on a national highway to being lost in a dirt track with no sign of human race around and being stuck on last lane where the road was slanting and my car was standing at 45 degrees… that one moment especially is some thing I will never forget… all blood rushing in my head or out of it… could hear my pulse at the back of my head with an unbearable pain… paralyzing fear of making just one mistake and loosing… life… especially of those 2 whom I love the most in my life and who I want to do everything to save from every thing… I felt responsible yet so weak… and that was the moment of surrender when I let the pain and anguish be and just forged ahead with only Him in my focus…

Trust me when I say that I feel blessed and saved… To be alive after a seemingly unending ordeal … which came to an end because He wanted that way…

Thank you Lord for being with me at every point on that road… thank you for carrying me when I thought I can’t walk (or drive) any more…

Oh Lord… help… my faith is going down…

More than 40 hours…

It seems I have travelled so many spaces… from being a mere spectator to being helpless…
As the terror continues to unfold in front of my eyes… the emotion clogging my throat became more inexpressible… anger… disappointment… fear… remorse… what will happen to this world…

Mind is full of questions and “WHYs”… eyes are tearful again and again… numbness surrounds me today…

Oh God… please help… please save… my faith is going down…

Thank You for the treasures!

I knew deep inside that You will guide, that I can count on You no matter what, that I need not be anxious about any thing…. But the past few days, I don’t know what I have been doing… or maybe I know - acting plane stupid… I wasn’t doubting your eternal promise Lord… its just that the changes in my life, all that I need to handle and want to do for my loved ones, my passions, what I have with respect to what I desire - every thing was in conflict… the fear of not being able to choose what’s right from the different choices coming my way in life was constantly plaguing… I know I am responsible for this state of confusion too… I allowed that small little voice inside my head to grow louder than necessary that I just couldn’t hear your loving sound or your reassurance…

I am sorry for being so restless and not rejoicing in what I have – You, my savior and my guide…

Thank you for your words today… I do realize the grandness of it… and what all it makes available for me…

…in whom are hidden all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge. (Colossians 2:3)

I know You will bless me with Your wisdom when it is time for any choice in my life… I know You will help me know the right path that You want to set me on and I need to follow…

Thank You for the treasures of wisdom and knowledge that are hidden in you but very much revealed right in front of me if I my eyes are set on you…

Thank you my “earthly” friend

No matter how independent you believe you are, no matter how much you try and say “I only rely on my lord, my heavenly friend”, you do feel the need to have an earthly friend some times – even if just for few moments… especially when you are in a cold war with the heavenly one :) …

Earthly friend… wondering who I mean… probably what you are thinking… one who listens while you speak (coherent or incoherent) … one who nods at your confusions without any judgment… one whose generous hug and “I love you” closes all the miles that may separate you two… one whose timely “remember that even when you are lonely you are not alone” pushes you again towards your heavenly friend … urging to seek Him… to let go of the anger, upset, or concerns that you may be carrying for any thing, any one (including Him)…

I was in need today and I was blessed… Thank you Lord for giving me this earthly friend…

And Thank you to my “earthly” friend (I am sure you will know when you read it that this post is dedicated to :))… So for you a small creation … hope you will like it :)

I don't remember if I ever said YOU ARE SPECIAL for me...
I don't remember if I ever said THANK YOU for being there through thick and thin...
I don't remember if I ever said I’M SORRY for any wrongs I may have done to you...
I don't remember if I said I want you to BE WITH ME forever...
I do know now that I want to say it all today...

Because you, my earthly friend, are a gift from my heavenly friend...

HIS presence made a difference

I would start this blog with a conversation (one of many)... that I had with HIM some times back... though it was one of those lonely times, yet HIS presence made a difference...

The path you want to set me on, I will be more than happy to walk
Your voice I want to hear my lord and your ear so that I can talk
This silence sometimes kills me with in, your love can fill it for sure
Just be with me and keep me going, and I won’t be asking for more