Salt of my tears...

Salt of my tears is all I can taste
Falling apart, breaking, turning to waste
Can ever my life be anything but haste……

My eyes are shut, yet sleep deludes
Wondering about what all it preludes
A waiting time where nothing concludes……

A teasing hope has tried and dared
Its head lying there naked and bared
To destiny’s hands ----bit worried & scared ……

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As I was posting this on my blog... a verse appeared to me...
Tears may flow in the night, but joy comes in the morning. - Psalm 30:5

I know not any one...

I know not any one who understands these tears…
I know not any one who understands my fears…
I know not any one who listens when I don’t speak…
I know not any one who accepts me when I’m weak…
I know not any one who makes my silence heard…
I know not any one who keeps pushing me forward…
I know not any one who says I will always matter…
I know not any one who can collect when I shatter…

Blessing to others...

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If I can be made a blessing to others today, what more can I ask

Praying for their deliverance and healing, would not just be a task

But an expression of HIS love that abounds in my doings and in me

Molding and perfecting me in HIM, HIS goodness, and HIS mercy

To reflect my Savior always, giving HIM all glory, honour & praise

I seek HIS help in my growth, with eyes lifted & hands that I raise

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Let me...

Let me take my eyes off the "catch"
Make efforts that will always match
And appeal to Him and His Holy will
Obeying His call is what I want still

With my heart, mind & soul pleading
I pray for Him to continue leading
Accomplish His plan in every way
As I center myself around Him today

Let the darkness now depart…

What other evidence do I ask that He walks right beside me when in each and every moment of my life I can feel His presence (yes some times in my blind rage I may choose to ignore or pretend that I can’t feel it at all).

Countless times, He has made sure to reach out to me (yes! not just me seeking Him) in some or the other form, especially in times when I need Him the most, time when I am lost, confused, disheartened, no where to go, nothing to look forward to. He would place things, people, signs in front of me and around me that speaks in volumes about how He is watching over me, protecting me, guiding me every time. How much He loves me and knows what I need.

As I sat in the morning today to once again (even after the horrible fight I initiated with Him before sleeping at) to reconcile with Him, this is what I get…

Fair weather faith is the kind that is strong when things are going well, but when bad times hit, it falls apart. It’s not too difficult to have great faith when things are going well… be filled with praise and joy for all God’s goodness to us (“The Lord has done great things for us, and we are filled with joy”- Psalm 126:3). But what about those times when nothing good is happening? (Do I, like the Prophet of God Habakkuk say, “Even though things are just awful, yet I will rejoice in the Lord. I will be joyful in God my savior.”)

A mature person who is strengthened in Christ praises even when there’s no silver lining, no light at the end of the tunnel. It is that orientation of our will that makes the difference. We make a choice to praise God and rejoice in him regardless.

Where are you today? Good times in your life… or tough days, heartaches, failures, and disappointments. Praise him any way. When God sees that kind of faith and that setting of your will, he is pleased for he knows that your faith is not the fair –weather type.

What do I say now… I am speechless again…

I know this message was for me… to remind me of the promise I made that irrespective of what I face I won’t doubt Your Love for me…

Today also, You knew that I was struggling to keep my faith strong… not that I wanted to let go of this anchor, but the problems & pain in and around me were pushing me down… the darkness of the tunnel suffocating me and the thought that there is no light to show me what to do, where to go and who to be, troubling me more…

I didn’t realize that the lack of light I am feeling is a function of me… because when the pain increased I shut my eyes and probably forgot to open them… And having kept them shut for long, my eyes couldn’t see the light because they were not looking at You…

I open my eyes to look at You
Your guiding light is all I need
To fill my vision & fill my heart
Let the darkness now depart

“Do not be unbelieving, but believing”

“Do not be unbelieving, but believing” - I have had this written as a note on my messenger since last 3 days I guess… and every minute I saw it in front of me it seemed I am claiming to the entire world, even beckoning them to do as I am doing… i.e. not go in the tunnel of unbelief… but hang on to Him… steadfast in faith and belief on Him, who gives as He promises…

But what happened all of a sudden… why the thread of faith has been straining today… why there is a gut wrenching fear that is gripping my body literally… fear of loosing, fear of being used, fear of being left alone... Am I going down on my faith my Lord… am I really unbelieving…

The minute I saw I may be heading towards that darkness, I cried unto you… pouring out my heart’s predicament… even sharing the anger and frustration that were clawing the walls of my mind to be released… But to no avail… that deep seated fear was still troubling as if some demon chasing me… or maybe in this case me chasing or not ready to let go of the fear…

I re-read Your words from the morning just so it can help…

Be strong and of good courage, do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. (Joshua 1:9)

And I realized some thing… hadn’t You already indicated some thing in the morning through that message… as if preparing me for what I would actually go through during the day… being fearful & dismayed… and that I would keep searching for your presence & peace near me so that I experience being secure and safe again, when all the time You would be with me only…

Forgive me Jesus… I acted blind and plain STUPID (of the first degree I guess) … I lost so many moments fretting about some thing or the other when I could have spent them rejoicing and really enjoying the Love, Joy, and Peace that comes in abundance where You are present…

So let me reclaim my belief… and once again let me not be unbelieving, but believing...

Trustful dependence…

I was reading something today which said:

“There’s nothing in our lives so small that God isn’t concerned about it-no need, no desire, no problem or crisis is so big that it baffles God’s wisdom and power. And because He cares for us, we are invited to tell Him about any and all of our concerns (1 Peter 5:7)”

WOW… it is exactly what I do… I just pour my heart out when I talk to Him everyday… try not to keep any thing to myself… tell Him what I feel, what I want, what I fear, what I am unsure of, what I would wish to have (even those secret tiny stupid things as well)….

I came out of my thoughts to read further…

“Does that mean we can ask God for anything and expect to receive it? Faith in our Savior and praying in His name are surely praiseworthy. But let’s be sure that what we’re asking for is something in line with what we know God would want.”

Oh Boy… are they talking about me only… Of course it is what I do too… whenever I pray and ask Him for some thing I want, I make sure that I end my prayer by telling Him that if what I have asked for is not His will then I would accept what He gives… cos even when I have shared my want/choice and prayed to Him for it yet I would trust and accept nothing less than HIS will… I also remember that I have always been moved while reading this verse - “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. (Matthew 7:7)”… but today my mind was persistently questioning how I have been asking Him who is the giver– am I asking inline with what He would want for me or with an assumption that He will give me as per my wish.

And then I read further..

“…It is possible to cross the line from trustful dependence to superstitious selfishness.”

Oh Lord… I hope that’s not what I am doing… or am I? Because that would be preposterous… maybe even stubbornness… cos You know what’s best for me, more than I can ever know for I see only few yards ahead while you have designed the complete path that I have to traverse…

“…Biblical faith is controlled by submission to God’s will (1 John 5:14). So every petition must be offered in a way that reflects the attitude of Jesus, Who said to His Father, “Not as I will, but as You will" (Matthew 29:39)... “If we ask anything according to His will, He hears us” (1 John 5:14).”

Lord… let me take on trustful dependence… revive my faith again today and my prayer too… I pray for you to reveal what Your will is… what You want me to choose in life… Guide me when ever there is a time for choice so that I act from Your wisdom and not lean on my own understanding…

You are a force that lives within me… my purpose to live and love… a strength that surrounds me & protects me… You are my Savior!

When I question the question...

When I question the question, no answers come & time keeps slipping away...
When I trust in Lord and seek His might, all answers come running my way...

I don’t know if you have experienced it but I have experienced it many times.

Questions, difficulties, tough times – call it whatever you may, each one of us faces situations like these... moments of dilemmas, moments of fear and indecision… it is quiet a common occurring in all of our lives so no point discussing it….

So what is the real point… maybe it is about “how we are” in these moments… or maybe where we focus – is it on the issue or difficulty concerning us or the actions we can take or even some thing else… I want to share my two cents about this “some thing” else I have felt…

Even before I take any actions, there is a space I find myself in… to make it easier for myself I always call it my conversations with Him… some may also refer to it as praying or seeking Him… again whatever we may call it, it’s a space when I connect with Him… and connect in a way that is way beyond any explanation… some times I cant even feel myself or my body… just focusing on Him and His name… Surrendering… letting go of every thing – all pains, worries, distress, and fears… every thing about yesteryears and the impending future… and I cry out …

Some thing similar happened over the weekend on my trip to Agra… it seemed as if some thing evil was at play… one after the other there were difficulties… right from unexpected fog to road mishaps to jams on a national highway to being lost in a dirt track with no sign of human race around and being stuck on last lane where the road was slanting and my car was standing at 45 degrees… that one moment especially is some thing I will never forget… all blood rushing in my head or out of it… could hear my pulse at the back of my head with an unbearable pain… paralyzing fear of making just one mistake and loosing… life… especially of those 2 whom I love the most in my life and who I want to do everything to save from every thing… I felt responsible yet so weak… and that was the moment of surrender when I let the pain and anguish be and just forged ahead with only Him in my focus…

Trust me when I say that I feel blessed and saved… To be alive after a seemingly unending ordeal … which came to an end because He wanted that way…

Thank you Lord for being with me at every point on that road… thank you for carrying me when I thought I can’t walk (or drive) any more…