From the last few days (7 days to be precise, and I know
someone will call me a ‘typical woman’ to remember the exact number of days) I have
been feeling drained and exhausted -- physically, mentally, and emotionally. The
feeling that something ominous is about to happen or maybe has already happened
without my knowing, kept plaguing my mind. No amount of prayers, or advice from
well-wishing friends really made a difference.
After crying most of the evening yesterday, pouring all the
bottled up emotions to Jesus, I think I got why it was so unbearable. The
sinking experience as if everything is finished, as if there is a void that
will never be filled is similar to what I have felt every time I lost someone
in my life – all those moments flashed where someone has gone away from my life
– my father 30 years back, my guardian 16 years back, and my brother in March
this year.
Incidentally when each of them died, for some or the other
reason there was no direct communication with me. The communication got cut
sometime before they died – first time I was pushed away from the situation because
it is not appropriate for a 5 year old to witness death, second time I was
termed invalid because of a broken leg, and third time I wasn't disturbed because
I had other troubles to deal with.
Trust me when I say it is very very very uncomfortable when
someone you love does not communicate before s/he leaves. And I acknowledge that
is a space I can't deal with.
It is not that I am unaware of the inevitability of people
not being there, in fact dealing with that is something I (think & hope) can still manage.
What I am not comfortable with is the fact that I don’t even get to know they have
gone or the fact that I do not even get an opportunity to say a final good bye
before they disappear. That is something that kills me, drains me completely. Any
situation that looks even vaguely similar to that, I get a claustrophobic experience. In
my head these “no communication” experiences equals people I love deeply going away without saying goodbye.
In all these situations I saw two predominant emotions -- ANGER & GUILT.
Of course it was so draining living with a dual edged sword. Anger towards them for leaving without any final communication and anger
towards me and also the guilt for failing to hear in case they wanted to or
were communicating something.
I also realized that when things like this are happening at a speed, I feel drained and helpless not getting time to handle even one thing
properly. And that is the time I fail to trust life’s flow or my creator. Rather
my mind becomes over active, constantly thinking what I can do to handle or
resolve a situation. I fail to sit still in waiting. Being in a ‘limbo' is
something I detest. And I fail to give life and my creator an opportunity to
facilitate me out of any situation or any pain.
BUT NO MORE!
I hope and pray for your strength Jesus. Help me to guard my
faith and stay away from thoughts of fear.
